Falling in love can be easy but breaking up is often hard to do. Getting over a breakup can be even harder to do but we all have it in us.
LET’S GET PERSONAL
Two years ago, I was in a long-term relationship that ended after our four-year anniversary. Instead of growing together, we grew apart. We used to do everything together such as work together, eat together and go on trips together. After the breakup, it was so hard picturing my life without that person. Everything seemed dull and I felt like the excitement I once knew had vanished from my life. That’s where I was wrong, but at the time, I couldn’t see how that thought process was harmful to me.
Days turned into months and months into years, and I can confidently admit that time and self-love both heal pain. When I was at my lowest, I was lucky enough to surround myself with people who cared about my well-being. I became very close with someone during that time and I’ll never forget how my pain brought us together.
Sometimes when we are in a bad relationship or we are unhappy in the relationship, we tend to stay because we have grown to be so content with the way our lives have become. One thing I kept thinking to myself while trying to move on was “this is a period of growth and I’m going to be fine because I was doing just fine before that person”.
The following is an analogy that truly helped during my most heartbreaking times, it is by Tyler Perry
“I have this tree analogy when I think of people in my life, be it friends, family, acquaintances, employees, co-workers, whomever…They are all placed inside what I call my tree test”. It goes like this:
Some people come into your life and they are like leaves on a tree. They are only there for a season. You can’t depend on them or count on them because they are weak and only there to give you shade. Like leaves, they are there to take what they need and as soon as it gets cold or a wind blows in your life they are gone. You can’t be angry at them, it’s just who they are.
There are some people who come into your life and they are like branches on a tree. They are stronger than leaves, but you have to be careful with them. They will stick around through most seasons, but if you go through a storm or two in your life it’s possible that you could lose them. Most times they break away when it’s tough. Although they are stronger than leaves, you have to test them out before you run out there and put all your weight on them. In most cases they can’t handle too much weight. But again, you can’t be mad with them, it’s just who they are.
If you can find some people in your life who are like the roots of a tree then you have found something special. Like the roots of a tree, they are hard to find because they are not trying to be seen. Their only job is to hold you up and help you live a strong and healthy life. If you thrive, they are happy. They stay low key and don’t let the world know that they are there. And if you go through an awful storm they will hold you up. Their job is to hold you up, come what may, and to nourish you, feed you and water you.
Just as a tree has many limbs and many leaves, there are few roots. Look at your own life. How many leaves, branches and roots do you have? What are you in other people’s lives?
LEARN TO BE OKAY ON YOUR OWN
One of the things that I had to learn quickly after going through my breakup was how to be okay on my own. I was so hard on myself and I didn’t have the confidence to just love who I was at the time. I know you may have heard this before but you can’t possibly love someone else if you don’t love yourself. Trust me, it’s not that easy, I know that. You should be the best version of yourself for you and not for anyone else.
After my breakup, I didn’t like going home and I absolutely hated being alone so I spent most of my days making new friends and going out to concerts, went on trips and started to work more hours at my job just to avoid being alone. However, I eventually broke down and I needed to just face my emotions and go through the process of letting go. Although meeting up with friends helped, I needed to cope with my sadness on my own as well and let me tell you, that was the hardest part. Talking to people who have moved on from a heartbreak helped me realize that there is hope.
The best thing I did for myself after getting hurt was creating a “new normal” by changing my regular day to day routine that I had. This was very hard to do since I live in a small city and a lot reminded me of the relationship but it forced me to get out of my comfort zone and try new things.
I took the time to go on a journey of learning to love myself without being with anyone else. I discovered so much about who I am. As a result, I focused on this blog, made so many incredible friendships along the way and faced countless opportunities that probably wouldn’t have even happened if I continued to be sad and make excuses for myself.
MOVE ON FOR GOOD
Here are some tips for getting over an ex: do not check their social media because that will only keep you from moving on, don’t compare yourself to people in successful relationships (they’ve had their fair share of struggles and there is no perfect relationship), don’t let your relationship status define who you are and let go of material possessions that remind you of that person.
Always remember: a relationship is not the be-all and end-all of your life!
xo, Yvonne K.